ijebuman's diary

Ok so i took a "short" break from blogging at the end of last year and it turned out to be an extended break : - ). I'm not promising that i'm back to blogging full time but i will try not to stay away for too long. I might have been away from my blog but i still lurk around some of my favourite blogs - chxta, Akin, naijablog, nigerian curiousity et al, kudos to you guys for hanging in there unlike me lol..

I just returned from a trip to Naija (that’s a topic for another blog post), and one of the things i noticed while i was there is how much religion has completely taken hold of our way of life.

It's not even funny anymore, the way things are going in Naija, another couple of decades and our traditional culture and way of life will have been completely swallowed up by the current madness parading itself as "religion". From the resident electoral commissioner in Ekiti state to our Information minister, no Nigerian is immune to this 'madness'.

It has got to the level where people have started changing their traditional names to more "religious friendly names" (e.g Fayemi to Oluwayemi).

Rant over..

Anyway on a lighter note, this dropped into my mail box the other day, enjoy.. (thanks to whoever compiled it)

Top ten Nigerian "Pentecostal" sayings

10. "We must pray and fast" (In Yoruba, "e kun fun aduaa").

Commonly used in times of tribulation such as Police/EFCC cases, looking for a husband or applying for a UK or US visa.

9. "This is my year of breakthrough" A new year's eve special.

The ready-made lazy man's annual prayer whether or not he has put in an honest day's work the year before, and a popular headline at most money spinning end-of-year religious crusades.

8. "I thank God for your life"

Usually an acknowledgement or appreciation of a benefactor but you scratch your head to find a real meaning to this one. People just drop it anyhow, eg. "I saw Pastor Kososhi drive past me in his Hummer yesterday on Allen Avenue", Reply: "Oh, I thank God for his life".

7. "...but he's a Man of God"As in the old 'over-the-hill'

Brother Jero Pastor who doesn't know how to toast women but secretly lusts after your wife/girlfriend in church. These are the "close your eyes, let us pray" guys who's always around to help or advice, waiting and hoping to take advantage of any misfortune to console his way into your woman's life.

6. "J.E.S.U.S."

Now very popular at Christian weddings across Nigeria as the newly-wed couple cut their cake. This has taken over from the evergreen "3,2,1...". Speaking of weddings, some wack MCs now blackmail the wedding guests by saying "If you want to live to see the new year, let me see your hands up", thus punishing them for not laughing at his dry jokes. Fear has become our God.

5. "I bind you..." (AKA "Holy Ghost Fire! Fire!! Fire!!!")

As in, put a curse on you, or threaten you with the wrath of God if you're deemed to be disturbing them for whatever reason. For example, against jobless guys who are proposing marriage, or the Landlord who has come to collect the rent after 8 months!

4. "The Devil is a liar!"

Often used right after surviving a ghastly auto accident, general misfortune, tripping over your children's toys or mistakenly dripping pepper soup on your favourite pink T.M. Lewin shirt!

3. "In the name of Jesus..."

Also abbreviated on Facebook as "IJN" or for maximum effect "in the MIGHTY name of Jesus!". Favourite end-of-sentence soundbite for most Prosperity Pastors on television.

2. "To God be the glory"

The last line of 99.9% of Nollywood films, and fast rising closing remarks at government / corporate seminars (usually just before they share the 'gbemu' in Ghana-must-go bags)

1. "It is well"

Self explanatory enough. Classic soundbite even if it is VERY OBVIOUS that it is not well.

And don't forget "It is not my portion" and "No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper"

Labels: Random Musings, religion

posted by ijebuman # 1:06 PM (12) comments

Monday, July 14, 2008

Randoms

The supposedly "ironic" edition of The New Yorker

First it was Jesse Jackson threatening to cut off Obama's nuts courtesy of a 'mic malfunction' at Fox news (What was Jesse doing on Fox news in the first place??, it’s kind of like George W Bush going on BET), and now The New Yorker (a supposedly liberal rag) is depicting Obama and his wife as "terrorists" in the White House.
According to the magazine's editor, David Remnick, the image "holds up a mirror" to the absurd and often malicious rumours that have stuck to his [Obama's] campaign. And he believes his readers are intelligent enough to get the joke.

Really, i don't see any other magazine portraying McCain as an Old geriatric fool, because i suppose it would be seen as extremely offensive to OAPs, but i guess we black people just can't take a joke abi??
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Meanwhile...

Our dear old presido, Yawn’Adua hits our shores this week.
Now this is an open appeal to the 'slow' one, just in case you meet 'Iya Charlie' abeg do not embarrass us like you did when you met Bush last year.

Oh and one more thing since Gordon Brown will be discussing the high price of oil and offering British assistance in dealing with the Niger delta issue, I suggest you too offer Naija's assistance in dealing with the recent spate of stabbings in the UK's major cities. You could offer to send our 'Kill n Go' (Our psychotic men in black) to teach the bobbies here how to deal with all these small pikins carrying knives around as if they are selling suya.
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Another sad Oil song...

They haven't extracted the oil yet but the twin islands of São Tomé and Príncipe are already in big trouble. (And of course Naijas are already there to give them a helping hand)

'The best thing that could happen to the country is if no oil is found'
Bribery, bullying and bad deals shatter Sao Tome's dreams of petroleum boom
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2008/jul/14/oil.internationalaidanddevelopment

Labels: obama, Random Musings, Recommended articles, Yar'Adua

posted by ijebuman # 4:32 PM (1) comments

Friday, January 11, 2008

Random Ms V

Hideously White BBC

According to the Daily Mail the BBC is more "hideously white" than ever, after it was revealed that the number of black executives has dropped to the lowest in years. The BBC is planning to "fast-track" young ethnic staff to senior positions, which has led to accusations of positive discrimination.

This is such a bad idea, any black person working at the beeb unlucky enough to be "fast-tracked" into a senior position will find themselves hated by those below them and patronised by senior management.

This is another example of 'political correctness' gone mad. All ethnic minorities want, is a level playing field, we don't need to be patronised and fast-tracked into positions, so senior management can hit their ethnic quotas.

If the bbc feels guilty about ignoring ethnic minorities it should start with it's tv schedules. There are hardly any black shows (Crimewatch does not count ; - )) on the main BBC channels.
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Chris Rock rocks the house

"Is America ready for a black president? Is America ready for a woman president? We should be - we've just had a retarded one" - Chris Rock At the Hammersmith Apollo

One of my favourite stand up comedians, Chris Rock performed at the Hammersmith Apollo last night. It was one hell of a show, haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
If you're a fan of black stand up comedy, you should definitely go see him. Most shows are sold out but they might add some more dates due to demand.

Labels: chris rock, concert, Random Musings

posted by ijebuman # 4:37 PM (15) comments

Friday, December 07, 2007

Random Ms IV

So the whole missing data scandal finally hit home when i got a letter of apology from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC). According to the letter "The missing data includes you and your children's names and date of birth, bank account details..."

The letter ends with an assurance that "The copy of the data is still likely to be on Government property. The police are now conducting a search, there is no evidence that it is in the possession of anyone else."

The latest news is that HMRC is now offering a reward of £20,000 for information leading to the recovery of the data discs.
Really...
Have they checked on ebay? - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/21/hmarc_ebay_auction/

On a serious note, experts claim the loss of the two CDs containing 25m records including names, addresses and bank details is the UK's, and probably the world's, largest ever data loss.

GB's Crises
You don't have to be an economist to know that UK Plc is in for a bumpy ride next year when the effects of falling property prices, high fuel prices and the impact of the global credit crunch start to bite. Tony Blair must be pleased he handed over to Gordon Brown (GB) before the shit hit the fan.

Since GB became PM its been one fiasco after the other, from the Labour party funding row to the Northern rock crises, and now we hear NR staff will get a bonus and a one off xmas payment.
how nice, i wonder if that is coming out of the £25bn of taxpayers' money...
but i digress
I almost feel sorry for GB, but hey he wanted the job and he was prepared to take Blair down if he had stayed on (why is Tony Blair stepping down).
I can just imagine how Tony feels now. I think the Germans have a word for it, schadenfreude...

Labels: Random Musings

posted by ijebuman # 4:57 PM (5) comments

Friday, November 23, 2007

random musings III

I swear i haven't stopped blogging i've just been distracted by events at work, the great big company i work for has recently merged with a bigger company and everyone is trying to adjust to the new political climate.

30 years and another boom
The whole oil price thing is doing my head in, especially when i have to buy diesel at £1 a litre (70p of that pound goes to the tax man as fuel duty and VAT).
Oil is currently trading at about $100, the last time oil was at similar levels was during the 70s, which is the period known in Nigeria as the 'Oil boom'. 30 years later and it seems history is repeating itself, except Naija has been so battered by the repercussions of that 'oil boom', that this time around it has hardly made much difference to most Nigerians unless you're lucky enough to be among the 1 percent of the population that continues to feed fat on the proceeds of our resources.

a feeling of deja vu
I found this report interesting - Nigeria sues over child smokers
According to BBC news
"The government is seeking an injunction compelling the companies to stop the marketing, distribution and sale of cigarettes to minors. It says that products sold by the companies are addictive and hazardous to public health."

But back in 2001
British American Tobacco (BAT) cash round reaches Nigeria

BAT is to invest $150m in Nigeria building a factory making internationally-recognised cigarette brands, and developing the country's tobacco farms. The investment was welcomed by Nigerian Industry Minister Kola Jamodu as a signal that Nigeria was "on track". "Substantial flows of investment are returning once more to Nigeria," he said.

makes you wonder what other "Substantial flows of investment" the government has signed up to. You'll think that in this day and age our government will understand the concept of no 'free lunch' or the fact that when it comes to Africa, western multinationals are only interested in exploiting the resources or taking advantage of the weak laws and no regulation.

Labels: Random Musings

posted by ijebuman # 5:01 PM (2) comments

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

random musings II

really sorry for the long break, some 'disgruntled elements' had been using jazz to stop me from blogging : - )

(blogger seems to have gone crazy on me, can't seem to get the text to display properly)

Another reason i've been offline is because i've used up all my energy trying to catch up with Ijebuman jr, he took his first steps a few weeks ago and now he is running around the house thinking he is Linford Christie. [just in case you regulars have forgotten, he was a year old 2 weeks ago : - )]

The BNP is going to love this:

Foreigners commit 20 per cent of crime in London, say police

The highest number of offences were carried out by Poles, charged with 2,310 crimes between the start of January and the end of June.

Jamaicans, Irish nationals, Somalians and Romanians - accused of more than 1,000 crimes - had the next worst levels of offending.

[snip]

The worst fraud total was recorded by Nigerians, with 275 crimes

who says Nigeria hasn't got talent LOL.

Seriously, although i know its bad we're on the list but at least we're not in the top 3, considering the bad press we get you'll think naijas commit most of the crime in this town.

(just in case you didn't notice it in the story 80% of crimes is still committed by brits)

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Celebrating What?
Yar'Adua to mark first 100 days in office

According to Mr. John Ogar Odey (Minister of Information and Communications) a committee has been put in place to work out modalities for the celebration.

Really..

What exactly has Yardy done in the last 100 days, he only just appointed his ministers last month. Apart from reversing a few of his predecessors policies he hasn't exactly done anything, i suggest he waits a year before "celebrating" anything.

As far as i'm concerned the jury is still out on Yardy, his made a few good moves but i still have my doubts about him. Back in '99 when Obj too was reversing decisions made by the previous military government, na so people dey hail am, 8 years later we all know better.

Labels: Random Musings, Yar'Adua

posted by ijebuman # 11:58 PM (4) comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

random musings

something to rant about
I hate spam, let me re phrase that, i really really hate spam. My spam filter manages to block most of it, but how do you block spam sent by friends or people in your address book??
I've recently noticed that a lot of people have started sending me religious spam (as far as i'm concerned it's unsolicited, so it'is spam).
You can always tell when my peeps have discovered "religion" especially of the pentecostal kind. They start sending out emails with bible quotations, invites to Pastor Jibiti's weekend of deliverance or forward silly emails about passing this message to 40 other people will bring you luck or prove that 'Jesus is lord' or show that 'Satan is a liar'.

Even on the web, there's no escape for people like me from our current obsession with religion...

angry and sad
that it took so long for our government to react and demand an apology from the spanish ambassador for the death of Osamuyia Aikpitanhi, a 23 year old Nigerian killed by spanish police officers during a forced deportation.
see back story

no wonder the weather is shit
not that i bother with the charts but there's a silly song called 'Umbrella' by Rihanna at number one, the chorus to the song sounds remarkably familiar, sort of like the gibberish my 11 month old son has been saying recently.
but i digress
'Umbrella' has been at number one for 9 weeks, no wonder summer has been a complete washout.

Labels: Random Musings, religion, spam

posted by ijebuman # 2:38 PM (11) comments